Make it to the Sunrise...

 

    Today is the type of day that I cant stand. the day where I contemplate life and wondering why I am here. Im in a weird mood hating everything and wondering why I think the way that I think. its a mess day. I want to cry or scream or run away. I feel weak and lost. I just want someone to give me some answers, but now that I'm an adult I know that no one really has the answers. We are all lost all the time. We all make choices and wonder why or what if. That doesn't bring me solace or peace in the loneliness. 

    Today is the type of day that I don't like my choices and really dig deep and overthink. I feel that all my choices have brought me nothing but the same pain. I sit and listen to sad songs so that I am reminded that I am not the only person that has had these feelings. I need to remember that everyone goes through the rough patches. I'm just wondering what I have to do to bring the good. I try everyday to eat right and be nice to people and tell people how I feel and still the vicious cycle just repeats, maybe with the same people, may with new people. I can't seem to get out of this circle. WHAT CHANGES DO I HAVE TO MAKE TO GET OUT OF THIS CYCLE? I need someone to answer that question.

    I hate feeling sorry for myself but it's bound to happen once in a while. I'm tired of trying and trying and pushing to keep going. I know that everyone deals with loss and sorrow but that doesn't mean it's okay. I understand the concept of with the good comes the bad. I guess I am blessed to be here and be able to take care of myself and be alive but for what reason?? So that I can do this all the next day and the next?? 

    So many things I really want but can't seem to find a way to accomplish them. Starting to think that I am missing a piece of the puzzle. Some people get satisfaction in a career and some people feel complete being a mom or having a family. I can tell you I only work to stay busy during the day and make money for the bad spending habits that I have. I can also tell you that I wish I wasn't so afraid of having a family. The world has ruined that for me. I feel like I received 2 signs that that isn't my path. I also don't want to be responsible for messing up another human. I know that no matter what I did there would be something that that child would carry with them. 

    I will say that sometimes as I'm sitting here surrounded by pictures of the son I never got to officially meet, its haunting and confusing and lonely. I could have had the life I always wanted and could have possibly gone with no fear, but now I just don't think I can wrap my mind around the idea. I would love nothing more to have someone in my life that loves me and I love them but I have also learned that that isn't enough. The world conquers that as well. I don't know if someone is out there controlling this place or if we have a destined plan or if it's really just chaos. 

    I do know that we are never told that life is fair or easy or always good. I just wish there was some reassurance that we will get to the place that we need to be and figure out what we all need to do. I want to be good at something that can help the world be better not crocheting or being direct or my job. I need there to be more. I need there to be a reason and a way out. 

I am now ready to escape from this mess. Does anyone have the answers?