Lost my heart...

 It's 2024 and this year doesn't seem to have the same magic that the start of the past years have had. It could be that I am getting older and the magic in the world is evaporating or the world has gone too far. Either way I need to find that magic in my life again. 

Magic isn't the word. I feel like after you have been through so many things the world closes in on you. For some reason I feel it this year. I have been sitting and contemplating all my decisions and every step in my past that has brought me to this point, wondering if I did things differently would I be someone else? 

Dont get me wrong I actually like who I am as a person but I dont like some of the things that I have lived through. Its hard to think that some people will never understand some of the things I had to go through, but then again I won't be able to understand some of the things that other people went through. we are all just walking around with internal pain. The world is hard and sometimes I just want to go and hide away from everyone and be safe. I know I can't be the only person. I feel like everyone is just walking around faking it. (me too!) I hate that. 

I wish we would all just be who we are and not hide our pain. I think that is why there is music and painting and books- we are all trying to cry out the pain in our own way. I know when I listen to music it brings me to a mindset- Depending on the song or place. 

this is slightly depressing and I dont mean it to be but I feel like we all run from the pain and sadness and sometimes I wish we could all just confront it. I have been running so long and now I am afraid I would collapse if I have to deal with the pain inside. 

Starting today I am going to face it! well I am going to try and face it. The hardest time in my life is when I was 27 yrs old-I lost my son and my husband, my love, all in a year and half. to this day I dont know how I walk around with parts of my heart missing. I will admit to myself and everyone else that I think I wasn't able to get a divorce because I for some reason still feel connected to him. I haven't seen my husband in 10 years and every May 24th all I want to do is call him and just talk. I dont know if that would actually help me but I always thought that it would. 

I know that I will always love him and I will always dream and wish we still had our son Landyn. I was so excited to be a mom and take care of my family. I felt so much love before my family was ripped from me. I will never understand the reason why but I know in those moments leading up to my pain I was the happiest I have ever been.

I try and be strong everyday but just typing this, I am wiping tears to see the keyboard. I pretend that I am over it but in all honesty I am not. Do you ever actually get over things like that? I feel the pain bleeding from me sometimes and its too much to handle but I dont have a choice. 

I am so mad that I dont get to be a mom to my son. I sometimes wish that I could just be done here and go see him. I dont mean that in a "I'm going to kill myself" way, just in the "I'm ready whenever God is ready to have me" way. I would love to see what my son would look like now, what his personality is, how he loves the people around him, all these things... I really believe that I will see him one day. 

these things haunt me everyday and I just want to scream at everyone for no reason! I know it won't fix my pain or take it away but either does crying about it and I do that too many times to count. 

I had it all and then I didn't... and I did nothing. I just blinked my eyes and it was gone. How to you explain that to people and make it seem like "it happened for a reason?"